I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
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This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
He wanted to make sure😂
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…