Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
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fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
If only.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
mood
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Eat…
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered