Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
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Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry