When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
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If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I have questions??
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?