Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
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Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Me as a therapist: omg same
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool