Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
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all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Anime is real
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.