Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
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[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”