Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
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[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
accurate
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me