My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
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My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping