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ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Natty or not?
Good morning
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.