If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
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Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.