#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
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My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific