*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
You Might Also Like
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.