Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
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Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
This raises questions
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves