Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
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I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I have two kinds of followers
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Monday Lisa
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule