Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
You Might Also Like
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO