Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
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I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
“How’s your day going?”
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Geez man, take it easy.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…