When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
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They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.