I was up all night reading about insomnia
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A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.