Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
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[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.