A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
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At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?