Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
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Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Dishonest mechanic?
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Guilty! 🤪
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.