I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
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If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.