It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
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[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I’m crying im so happy for them
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.