This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
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“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Nice try, poison.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.