Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
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me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.