A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
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Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.