*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
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When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Anyone want a chair?
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.