*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
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Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
never ask a starfish for directions
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.