Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
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i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I’m not lazy
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair