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I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I see your IQ test came back negative
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.