Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
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Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Worst perfume name ever.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change