I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
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me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework