[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
You Might Also Like
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.