You know I’m something of a chef myself
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who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.