I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
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Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
asking santa clause for nudes
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.