“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
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every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.