Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
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Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Jail
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs