dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
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Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead