I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
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There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
All. The. Damn. Time.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.