Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
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I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
do what now??
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.