Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
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5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?