It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
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jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way