FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
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love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
See..?
.