I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
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Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that