*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
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Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning