First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
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Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!