Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
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People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
#MeanwhileinCanada
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.