Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
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Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!