CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
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It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.